there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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