She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
