um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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