anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
