When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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