help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
