My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
