Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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