His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
