I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
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Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize