The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
