I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
