Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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