Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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