The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
