Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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