sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
