My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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