I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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