Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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