I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
