Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
