I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
