my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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