Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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