While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
