You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize