I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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