you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
