To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
