I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
