The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
