you traded sex for a burrito?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Drake has all the answers
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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