He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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