Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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