So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
