wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
