Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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