party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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