Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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