PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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