i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
