but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
