I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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