You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
