So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
