don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
