walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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