Got a toothbrush?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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