don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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