My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
