I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
