Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
