I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
