i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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