Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
